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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27101824">at sa sarili ako'y magsisinungaling</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/haede/pseuds/haede'>haede</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>mula sa pagsara, hanggang sa pagmulat ng mga mata [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt/Comfort, IWAOI HELL, Iwaizumi Hajime-centric, M/M, anyway drown with me, it's mostly hurt though, matsuhana if you squint, part 2 of maaari bang mahiram ang sandali?, song lyrics again bc i can</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 04:35:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,476</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27101824</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/haede/pseuds/haede</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Iwaizumi wondered if he was stupid enough to believe that he can be strong for the both of them, when he himself was slowly losing grip on what he held onto for so long.</p><p>a prequel of maaari bang mahiram ang sandali?</p><p>(title translation: and to myself i'd lie)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>mula sa pagsara, hanggang sa pagmulat ng mga mata [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1982467</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>at sa sarili ako'y magsisinungaling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi !! this is the part 2, or the prequel of "maaari bang mahiram ang sandali?" this can also be considered as a standalone fic ig, but i still highly recommend reading part 1!</p><p>also!!!!! totally unexpected but i would like to thank and share my love to the people who left kudos (and comments! AAAAAA) on my first ever work (╥_╥) it really made my day so i just decided to write this part 2 immediately hhhhh</p><p>as always, please excuse the mistakes &gt;&lt;</p><p> </p><p>lyrics is still from ikaw by autotelic!!! please go listen to it it's very underrated :( &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>𝙂𝙧𝙖𝙙𝙪𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝘽𝙖𝙡𝙡 - 5𝙥𝙢</p><p>“Dumbkawa! Would you hurry up?” Iwaizumi kept on banging at Oikawa's door and was surprised when the force of his knuckle suddenly flew forward, not feeling the door anymore. There, inside the neatly beige colored room, stood Oikawa in all his stupidly irked glory. He wore a well fitted sleek black tuxedo, complementing Iwaizumi's all black suit, gray vest and tie.</p><p>“Would you shut it Iwa-chan?” Oikawa retorted petulantly, but nonetheless grabbed his things and quickly closed the door. “You were supposed to wait downstairs, like a proper gentleman, so your date—me,” he added on giddily, “can bless you with this beautiful sight as I descend down the stairs. How can you rob me of such a moment?” Oikawa ended dramatically.</p><p>Iwaizumi rolled his eyes as his date—he had to admit, his heart skipped multiple beats at the mere thought of having Oikawa to him all night long. And possibly longer than that, if fate permits.</p><p>“You shut it, Trashykawa. I did wait, but you had me waiting for thirty minutes. How was I supposed to know that you didn't suddenly decide to stand me up and jumped out the window, running as far away as you can?” Iwaizumi complains as the two of them slowly walked down the stairs, going first intentionally so that he can stand as a sturdy shield if ever Oikawa decided to be a clumsy idiot and falls down. He was not risking anything that could go wrong tonight. They were met with the teary eyed faces of Oikawa's parents, his mom holding up a camera and snapping pictures without warning.</p><p>Oikawa gasped offendedly. “You are being so dramatic Iwa-chan. Is this it? Is this what Hanamaki has been talking about? About me rubbing off on you? Since when did you have such ridiculous thoughts? You were always the cool headed guy. We all know how you almost busted a lung in nervousness when you asked me to be your date, so of course I'm gonna grace my presence tonight to my Iwa-chan who's extra dashing and looking so handsome tonight. I know, I'm generous.”</p><p>“You're the one who's being ridiculous, idiot. Of course, everything would automatically be over dramatic when it comes to you.” Iwaizumi told him indignantly, but everyone knew he was trying as hard as he can to keep his cool when Oikawa mentioned about him asking him out. Truth be told, it had been one of the most nerve-wracking moments in his life. </p><p>Oikawa laughed with that annoyingly adorable eye smile of his that leaves Iwaizumi weak. </p><p>“But I have to apologize,” Iwaizumi said with a serious look, watching the mirth slowly fade from Oikawa's face. He suddenly leaned towards Oikawa's ear, startling him. “I'm not gonna be as generous as you. You're stuck with me tonight, and I don't plan on sharing with what's mine.”</p><p>And if Oikawa's face was beet red tomato for the majority of the pictures his mom took of them tonight, well no one has to know the reason except the two of them.</p><p> </p><p>𝙂𝙧𝙖𝙙𝙪𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝘽𝙖𝙡𝙡 - 11:30 𝙥𝙢</p><p>“Ladies and Gentlemen— the last dance,” the emcee said to the microphone, immediately cuing the most awaited moment of the night.</p><p>The place was suddenly in chaos, people walking around everywhere to take their dates to the center and a series of murmurs and whispers surrounding them but Iwaizumi paid them no mind, his eyes fixed on the ethereal beauty that's incomparable to everyone tonight. Only Oikawa had the vibrant glow that kept on radiating superiority over all of them and warmth all the same. Iwaizumi literally felt—and he would never admit any of this to Stupidkawa—his breath taken away when Oikawa turned and locked eyes with him. Without any hesitation, he made long strides to him and confidently—as confident as Iwaizumi could get because fuck, he's slowly losing it with all the teasing glances and whistles from Matsukawa and Hanamaki—took Oikawa to the center, gently placing Oikawa's hands around his neck and then wrapping his around Oikawa's middle. </p><p>It's now or never, or so Iwaizumi thought to himself. God, only Oikawa could bring his mind into a muddle of a mess. He can't even think straight. His body was on autopilot, he wasn't even aware of how the band started to play the slow song, wasn't paying attention to how the lights have dimmed tremendously and how he can't make himself look Oikawa in the eye, instead resorting himself to look at something behind Oikawa.</p><p>“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa called out, startling Iwaizumi in the process. "I've been calling out to you for a few times now. Are you actually really getting shy?" A smirk was slowly making its way to Oikawa's face.</p><p>“You fucking wish, Idiotkawa.” Iwaizumi quickly retorted. He took a deep breath and looked into Oikawa once again, slowly gathering courage when Oikawa shyly looked away. </p><p>“You know Iwa-chan, I know I said this already but you really do look good tonight,” Oikawa laughed quietly, but then quickly added, “I mean you're always average looking but not quite up to my standards, but tonight you just,” Oikawa pauses on his ramble and locked eyes with Iwaizumi, only for him to look away again. “Wow.” Oikawa finished.</p><p>Iwaizumi's eyes remained on Oikawa's, noticing the tint of red on the tips of the latter's ears, but not quite making any noise of acknowledgement.</p><p>Oikawa must've felt a bit awkward with the silence and the swaying for a while when he suddenly lit up. “Iwa-chan, I almost forgot!  You remember Grandpa right, the one who owns the small little bakery cafe down the street? Well! He said to me that he's gonna retire so soon!” Oikawa began to ramble, and slowly took his hand off around Iwaizumi's neck to reach for something inside his coat, fishing out a small folded paper. “I literally can't stop crying when he told me that, I think I even had snot hanging around, but what can I do! I love his milk bread too much. He said he's gonna hand it down to his son that's returning from somewhere faraway that I could care less about. I still kept on crying and I think he had enough, so he took a paper and wrote down something on it, and guess what? He made me a coupon! A special coupon for Oikawa Tooru only. Of course, I'm gonna share this coupon with you, well because you are my best friend, and you are the one who keeps buying me my milk bread.” Oikawa chuckles as he slips it inside Iwaizumi's front pocket. “Grandpa says that we can have all the milk breads we want as long as we buy two drinks because you know, you only buy one drink. For me. You never really buy one for you. Heh.”</p><p>Iwaizumi still didn't flinch, not even until Oikawa put his hand behind his neck again, not even when Oikawa was starting to blush at the intensity of his stare on him.</p><p>“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa tries to talk again. “This song is so lame. Really, choosing a mainstream song for the last dance. We should've lent them our playlist Iwa-chan, we had lots of good songs there so the committee could just have chosen from—”</p><p>“Dumbkawa.” Iwaizumi says all of a sudden, effectively cutting Oikawa's rambles again and making him widen his eyes. Because even then, even in all of the serious moments combined, destroying Oikawa's name was a habit he thinks he can never grow out from. “Listen.” Iwaizumi says after, slowly tightening his grip around Oikawa's waist and subtly pulling him closer to his chest.</p><p>Iwaizumi takes a deep breath.</p><p>“I like you.”</p><p>Oikawa was stunned, and before Iwaizumi lets unnecessary thoughts cloud his mind again, he let his emotions flood out.</p><p>“Scratch that. I'm in love with you, Stupidkawa.” He begins, eye contact unwavering. “I don't know how, because as far as the both of us are concerned, you've always been the clumsy one. You fell in rivers, in canals, in stairs—lots of them, you fell out of the boat when we were illegally trespassing at that lake, you almost fell from the cliff when we went hiking, and I could go on, honestly. But the point is, I was always there. To you know, mostly laugh at you. But also there to catch you.” Oikawa looked like he wanted to rebut, but chose to be quiet instead for whatever reason, and Iwaizumi's gonna take advantage of that.</p><p>“So I don't know what kind of prank the universe has thrown at me, because now, in all it's irony, I'm now the one who's fallen for you. And. And,” Iwaizumi halts, because he doesn't know what to say next anymore. He was so caught up with the words just flying out of his mouth and now that there's none anymore, he broke eye contact with Oikawa and looked down, trying to get a grip of himself.</p><p>A warm hand was placed on his cheek. Iwaizumi looks up and was almost taken aback at the tears streaking down Oikawa's eyes, holding the most genuine look he's ever seen.</p><p>“And, I'll be there to catch you.” He says as he leans forward, sealing their first kiss.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>𝙐𝙣𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙮 – 2𝙣𝙙 𝙮𝙚𝙖𝙧</p><p>“Hey, wake up, hey!” Iwaizumi felt himself get pushed off his own bed. “Get up you snoring gorilla,” </p><p>“Shut up Kanoka.” Iwaizumi groaned, getting up anyway.</p><p>“You promised me you’d take me out for breakfast today when I tutored you last time.” </p><p>“Shut up, Kanoka.” Iwaizumi repeated, rubbing his eyes. His head was still hurting so much that it felt like it was about to split open.</p><p>He and Oikawa had been having too many fights recently. Just last night when they had their weekly video call, Oikawa was complaining on how Iwaizumi wasn’t replying as much as he did and even though Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa can’t live without being annoyingly petty as his personality trait, he still got irritated and accidentally said something that set the other off. Oikawa was shocked and furious, to say the least, but then also immediately apologized, sensing how the situation took an unexpected turn. Before Iwaizumi could say sorry, Oikawa turned the video call off, letting guilt consume him for the rest of the night, not letting him sleep so easily. </p><p>What can he do? He’s been stressed as it is. University was not easy. University away from Oikawa was even harder. Piles of requirements awaited him in his dorm every night and he just can’t get a break. It wasn’t helping how he was so close to failing a major subject last semester, and without Kanoka’s help, he might’ve had to take it again. First year was manageable, but it all started crumbling down towards their second.</p><p>Sure, he could vent it all out to Oikawa, but for the first time, Iwaizumi never would’ve guessed how he’d be hesitant in opening up to his lover one day. How can he, when Oikawa keeps on rambling about his exemplary performance and his outstanding outputs that seem to impress others more and more with each passing day? Iwaizumi knows how Oikawa loves praises, that’s why he keeps on doing it, but he was slowly and regretfully feeling so insignificant. He was proud of his boyfriend’s accomplishments, he really is, but he can’t just help but feel how pathetic he’s becoming. It was never like this in high school, where the both of them could just laugh it off and challenge each other on who could do better next time. This was college, and it’s more or less one of the critical factors that could secure a future for them.</p><p>Iwaizumi was even in a different major from Oikawa, for fuck’s sake. It was stupid, and he felt extremely restless from the non existing competition that he partook in.</p><p>All he wanted was for Oikawa to depend on him, but with the things are going, he felt humiliated.</p><p> “Iwaizumi Hajime!” Kanoka called out. “You’ve been staring at the wall absentmindedly for five minutes, and I’d ask if you’re okay but my growling stomach can’t be patient any longer.”</p><p>Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, tries to stand up without wobbling from the pain on his head and grabbed a change of clothes and headed to the bathroom but not before smacking the annoying bob of Kanoka’s. He tries not to think much of last night anymore and instead looks for the timing to sort things out with Oikawa.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>“There you go, yes! You’re doing a great job, keep it up you slowpoke.” Kanoka said, guiding Iwaizumi on his practice worksheets. He was at a steady level on his academics already, and he can also slowly catch up with his organization’s extracurriculars without risking his time balancing both. </p><p>Iwaizumi had exams coming up and he isn’t so sure if Kanoka had a sixth sense or some weird telepathic ability, because it was as if she knew of Iwaizumi’s growing distress at the all the unending list of topics they’re gonna cover, staring at the untouched reviewers at the top of Iwaizumi’s desk. She just suddenly barged in his dorm, inviting him out for iced coffee (because she was craving, not that it should be any of Iwaizumi’s concern but since she was there already, might as well ask her for some help.)</p><p>Iwaizumi remembers how Kanoka was the first source of comfort in university for him. He was so bad at adjusting to new things that he remembers Oikawa teasing him nonstop to go make new friends. Kanoka Amanai became his partner in one of his lab subjects and became at ease by the fact that Kanoka was just as introverted as him. She was a fairly tall girl with athletic build of a body and both share the hobby of volleyball. They made easy conversations and worked pretty well together despite the fact that they had just met. </p><p>At first, he had no intent on taking the friendliness outside the classroom but Kanoka was annoyingly persistent when she was getting too comfortable, reminding him of a certain someone, and found her presence rather calming after a few banters here and there. Her intelligence and being of a great tutor was a bonus to their friendship. No, Iwaizumi thinks that’s the entire reason of their friendship. He laughs to himself.</p><p>“You’re laughing by yourself again. Thinking about your lover?” Kanoka commented offhandedly.</p><p>“Shut up, Kanoka.” Iwaizumi muttered.</p><p>Kanoka was no stranger when it came to Iwaizumi’s love life. Of course he’d be proud in boasting about Oikawa Tooru, he’s dating the love of his life. Oikawa knew of her as well, when he can insert small talks in between Oikawa’s babbling. What Iwaizumi didn’t expect is how much of a fucking meddler Kanoka can be. She just keeps on asking on the details that’s supposed to be personal, keeps on giggling at their pictures, even pointing out that Oikawa’s too good for him. And honestly, well, that’s true. He’s not gonna deny that. Iwaizumi could at least thank that she’s extremely supportive, but doesn’t miss a chance of making fun of her.</p><p>“Don’t make it so obvious that you’re single, Kanoka.”</p><p>“I’m single by choice!”</p><p>“You just say that because you’re still not over your first love.”</p><p>“You better stop talking or I’ll steal your first love. Honestly, what does Oikawa ever see in you.” </p><p>Iwaizumi doesn’t mind the overbearing curiosity, but he fails to notice how he subconsciously avoids certain topics— like he’s not able to share how they’re going through a rough patch lately, the problems he’d been keeping mostly to himself. It was okay though, he thinks. Because it’s him and Oikawa, and he knows that they’ll get through anything as long as they’re together.</p><p>Iwaizumi was never one to share his troubles to others easily anyway, especially when emotions and feelings are involved as he was always seen as the collected guy. It was already deeply embedded within him the expectation of not breaking down so easily by the time he understood what it meant to have a healthy mindset in handling his own issues and how it was okay to sometimes rely on his support system.</p><p>He just grew up to be the support system all the time, that’s all. It can’t be helped.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>“How’s my baby doing?”</p><p>Oikawa gasps dramatically through screen of the laptop making Iwaizumi laugh. It’s one of the rare video calls where it’s as peaceful as it can get, and he’s thankful for that.</p><p>“Who are you and what did you do to my amazing boyfriend?”</p><p>“I missed you too, Dumbkawa.” </p><p>“There’s my Iwa-chan and his annoying nicknames.” Oikawa grins. “I finished my model today for my presentation. Though, the presentation’s not scheduled until two weeks from now. Oh, there was a debate today at class where these two fought so hard Iwa-chan, you can literally feel the sexual tension oozing from the both of them! It started out fine but then this guy started becoming so pissed that the other can’t help but retaliate and they just went at it back and forth. I don’t think I can even remember if they stuck to the topic, bottom line is they had us all at the edge of our seats, including the professor! And you know me, my thirsty self for drama, asked around and guess what! They were actually and laughably, exes! I was so—”</p><p>Iwaizumi’s amusement was cut off when he felt his phone vibrate. An email notification from his professor flashed on screen.</p><p>Mr. Iwaizumi Hajime,<br/>
I regretfully inform you that your grade has not reached the cutoff, therefore rejecting your application to join the……</p><p>Another vibrate, signaling a text message from Kanoka.</p><p>How did the application go? Aren’t they supposed to get back to you by now already?</p><p>“—oh and the professor picked me to represent the batch along with, you remember Kuroo, right? Apparently, Iwa-chan what’s wrong?” Oikawa must’ve noticed how Iwaizumi’s been quiet for a few minutes now. Iwaizumi looked up and saw the concerned face of his boyfriend, not realizing how he’s tuned out of the conversation already. He immediately put on a small smile and chuckled humorlessly, scratching the back of his head.</p><p>“My, my application got denied. Remember how I applied for that program during freshman year? I applied again because I really wanted to join them but,” Iwaizumi grimaced, feeling all sorts of pity on himself. “I guess it just wasn’t for me.”</p><p>“Oh no, Iwa-chan! How on earth could they deny it? And to think you did all those compulsory credits and gained experiences just to make your resume look good. How can they just reject you like that? That’s it. Give me the head’s number and I’ll contact them. They don’t know what they’re missing.” Oikawa huffed and puffed, eyebrows scrunched in irritation.</p><p>Iwaizumi laughed but it was obvious at how it was forced. He really did hope he was gonna get accepted, exerting extra effort in making important connections just so that they’d get a good impression on him. He was extra active in orgs, assisting here and there and joining various committees during events, toiling away. </p><p>The program offered an amazing opportunity for him to learn and excel in the field he’s chosen as his career path and felt exhilarated at the thought of being with other individuals who had the same passion as him. But now he only feels so worn out and drained of not being able to reach both expectations of others and his own for himself. Disappointment was weighing heavy on his chest and all he wants to do is lie down and shut everyone out.</p><p>“Iwa-chan, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better. Don’t worry, I know there’s tons of others that’d be a much better option for you. Please don’t feel so down, I’m sorry I can’t be there for you.”</p><p>Iwaizumi could only sigh. He was just staring at his desk idly, not even making any sound of acknowledgement.</p><p>“Iwa-chan. Iwa-chan. Hey Iwa-chan. Cheer up for me, please?”</p><p>𝘐’𝘮 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥, 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦.</p><p>“Hey, how about we watch your favorite movie? Huh? I’ll skip studying for this super duper important quiz for you. Because I love you. C’mon, Iwa-chan?”</p><p>𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧𝘧.</p><p>“Iwa-chan please,” Oikawa sighed. “You’re making this a big deal.”</p><p>Iwaizumi looked up so fast that he almost felt a stiff neck coming on, but it was all neglected when he asked in an unpleasant tone. “What?”</p><p>Oikawa widened his eyes, seeming also surprised at what he had just said. He hurriedly took it back. “Iwa-chan, oh my god. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I was just, I didn’t. Fuck, I’m sorry, I—”</p><p>“You what, Oikawa?” Iwaizumi started, cutting off the apologies that he paid no heed. </p><p>Did Oikawa even know what he went through, all the sleepless nights and exhausting weeks that only led to a huge letdown? This was such a reality check of how much he’s incompetent enough that he just can’t seem to be able to have what it takes and he is just so fucking tired of trying.</p><p>“It’s so easy for you to say.” Iwaizumi said infuriatingly. “You get everything you want, as if it’s been served to you on a silver platter.”</p><p>A flash of hurt was evident across Oikawa’s face and he was about to respond but Iwaizumi just couldn’t get a hint, anger was greater than his self control.</p><p>“Look at you breezing through university effortlessly and receiving praises here and there, and I’m just, I’m what Oikawa? What do I got that proves my worth? I got nothing.”</p><p>“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa stressed. “You sound like you’re in fucking high school. This isn’t even a contest of who’s better. Where do these thoughts even come—when did you start thinking like this?” He tried to ask despite his voice cracking a couple of times, willing himself to keep his emotions at bay.</p><p>“Did I fucking make you upset?” Iwaizumi knows he should stop, he really should, but his mouth wouldn’t listen to his brain. “How come you’re the one who’s close to crying? Aren’t you the chosen one to represent your batch in the interschool conference? Aren’t you the one getting the chance to put your model in the exhibit for the international delegates?”</p><p>A sob comes out of Oikawa involuntarily. “Why are you making it sound like I don’t deserve them?”</p><p>“I didn’t even say that!” Iwaizumi yelled out in exasperation. “I was just saying—”</p><p>“You’ve said enough.” Oikawa glared at him with tears streaking down his eyes, and a pang of guilt crept up on Iwaizumi. </p><p>“Iwa-chan, please he listen to me.” Oikawa sniffled. Iwaizumi can’t do anything except look at him helplessly.</p><p>“I apologize if I ever made you feel inferior, because I’m not. I promise,” Oikawa paused to wipe away a few tears. “God knows how I’d never deliberately make you feel like I’m somewhere on a higher stand than you, because I don’t see you like that, at all. I’m, I’m really sorry Iwa-chan. I’m sorry for what I said earlier as well, I didn’t mean it. I know you worked hard, and I didn’t know what I was thinking when I said that.” He paused and took a deep breath.</p><p>“You know more than anyone else how hard I work to get where I am, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa said softly and defeatedly.</p><p>Iwaizumi knew that, fuck. He so badly wanted to cry and run to Oikawa, kneel before him and ask for forgiveness. He didn’t know what to say, his mind and heart gone into haywire.</p><p> “I’m just,” Oikawa says after a few silent minutes. “I’m just gonna go and let you rest for awhile. I’m sorry again. Let’s talk when we’ve cooled off, okay?” Oikawa tried to put a smile on his face, only for it to come off as a wince before shutting off the call.</p><p>Iwaizumi was surrounded with the unbearable quietness of his dorm. He can’t believe he said all those awful things to Oikawa, who was only trying his best to cheer him up. Of course he knew that Oikawa deserved all his achievements, he was just so caught up in the moment that he wasn’t able to restrain himself from blowing up. To Oikawa, of all people. He was supposed to be the pillar between the both of them, but he made his boyfriend cry and even made Oikawa apologize to him instead. He felt like absolute shit.</p><p>His phone rang all of a sudden and Iwaizumi hoped it was Oikawa, wanting to resolve things between them as soon as possible. He doesn’t want Oikawa feeling so small just because of his careless mistakes.</p><p>But it wasn’t, it was Kanoka calling. Iwaizumi turned his phone to silent mode and collapsed on his bed, let his emotions get to him and cried so hard until he passed out.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>“Oh my God, you totally aced it, Hajime! I’m so proud of you, fuck, congratulations!” Kanoka exclaimed when the results of the semester are out. “You totally, absolutely owe me for this. Treat me to dinner you ungrateful piece of shit.”</p><p>“Shut up, Kanoka.” Iwaizumi said but even he can’t take the grin off of his face. “I’ll be nice just this once, let’s celebrate later at that new restaurant.”</p><p>“Are you sure?! Isn’t that place a bit expensive?”</p><p>“Shut up Kanoka, don’t make me take back my words.” He says and accepts the hug when Kanoka jumped at him. Iwaizumi doesn’t think he hasn’t laughed this hard for a long while. It was such a breath of fresh air to finally have the pressure on his shoulders slowly disappear. </p><p>Kanoka was the one who pushed him and never gave up on him, cheering him on especially on his low days. She was always there to assure him again and again, tirelessly repeating the concepts to the point that it’s been drilled to Iwaizumi’s head already. She wasn’t just there for the sake of studies, unbeknownst to her, she was also greatly helpful for his emotional stability as well. </p><p>It was hard enough thinking that he couldn’t have Oikawa near him whom he can hold onto when things get rough. They resolved their last fight a few days later like they usually do but recently, Iwaizumi’s been noticing how their scheduled video calls are becoming more seldom, with different excuses from both sides. And even if they do video call, it didn’t feel the way it used to before. Iwaizumi was trying not to think too much of it, making up reasons like how they just couldn’t help it, being busy enough and all—keyword, tried. It was taking a toll on him, but seeing the grades looking back at him from all his hard work made the pain in his chest go away temporarily. Kanoka’s support was a great contribution to his success, so she deserves this treat at least.</p><p>“Fuck, I’m gonna order so much tonight. Prepare your wallet, Iwaizumi Hajime, and you can’t say no either.”</p><p>“Shut up Kanoka, you fucking pig.”</p><p>When Iwaizumi reached the dorms, he immediately phones Oikawa. Three rings and a familiar voice answered.</p><p>“Yes Iwa-chan?”</p><p>“Dumbkawa, you can’t believe—”</p><p>“Iwa-chan I am so sorry. I really am, I know you must have something incredibly amazing to share to me, but I wanna finish this essay before the professor posts another one again. I swear, his life calling was to literally make his students’ lives a living hell.”</p><p>“Oh,” Iwaizumi deflates. “Uhm,”</p><p>“But don’t worry my love! My precious Iwa-chan whom I miss so much, I’m totally free by tonight. I especially freed it for you, you know, since exams will start for me next week and I can’t call you by then. I also cancelled my friends’ invitation and didn’t sign up for the seminar to be held tonight. We can video call to our heart’s content. How about that? Hmmm?”</p><p>“Okay,” Iwaizumi promises, head too high up on cloud nine to even remember to mention how he already made plans with a friend.</p><p>That night, the video call never happened. Thirty six missed calls along with twenty seven text messages at midnight and Iwaizumi never noticed them all, too caught up laughing at Kanoka’s singing at a nearby karaoke. </p><p>Iwaizumi apologized profusely the next day, sending messages overflowing with explanation on how he went and celebrated with his friend, but Oikawa didn’t even bother reading them at all.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Days became weeks without any contact with Oikawa, and Iwaizumi’s uneasy feeling just keeps on growing. </p><p>Yes, his relationship with Oikawa wasn’t the most ideal so far, but who could blame them? They’re both occupied, engaged or involved in other matters that usually laps with their time. They both have priorities and responsibilities to attend to. The first year was a bit okay for them, and since Oikawa decided not to go home during the breaks to make use of the time for his own best interest according to him, Iwaizumi followed suit and tried to adjust completely and focus on the areas he can improve at a more relaxed pace as well. But towards second year, it started to become difficult to deal with. </p><p>Iwaizumi never gave up though, it never went through his mind, not even once. Tired, yes. But letting go? That was out of the question. It was their first relationship, and a long distance at that. The infrequent contact with each other caused Iwaizumi to let his irrational fear of Oikawa not needing him anymore. He didn’t want to overthink, but he just can’t help himself.</p><p>He tried to phone Oikawa again for days, just to end in voicemails.</p><p>Oikawa once replied that he was “busy”, only for Iwaizumi to see on social media pictures upon pictures of Oikawa getting smashed at an acquaintance party, as said on the album title. There was even a photo where, Kuroo—he vaguely remembers—has his arm around Oikawa’s waist and his head so close to Oikawa’s cheek but he couldn’t be sure of what’s happening due to the low quality of the photo. He didn’t even message Iwaizumi to inform him, just like he used to when he went for drinks, or went out in general. Iwaizumi didn’t know what to feel about that. He wanted to bring it up with Oikawa, but as soon as he thought of doing so, his mind just reeled at the possibility of them having a fight again and decided against it.</p><p>He barely notices how they’re already walking on thin ice in their relationship, if it’s even considered a relationship anymore, without any guarantee of how this is all gonna play out.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>Exams season started again, and Iwaizumi observed how he and Oikawa only had one conversation for the past three weeks. Just Oikawa asking what was up with him and vice versa, and that’s that. </p><p>Iwaizumi doesn’t want to admit how he’s slowly but surely falling apart.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>It was a gloomy night in Iwaizumi’s dorm, strong currents of wind and rain falling hard outside and he’s trying to organize his notes to the soothing sound of his and Oikawa’s playlist when his phone rang, showing Oikawa’s picture. A sense of dread suddenly filled Iwaizumi and he almost ignored the phone call like his gut is telling him to.</p><p>He still answered against better judgement, because well, he’s weak for his Oikawa.</p><p>“Hey, Dumbkawa,” </p><p>Oikawa laughs, and Iwaizumi suddenly felt the weeks of loneliness and longing rush inside of him, but somehow there’s something hindering him from letting Oikawa know how much he misses the other.</p><p>“Are you busy?” Oikawa ask all of a sudden, and Iwaizumi tries not to overthink at the lack of Iwa-chan.</p><p>“No, not really. What’s up?” </p><p>“Oh, uhm.” Oikawa clears his throat “Are you sure I can interrupt you like this? I called from out of nowhere and—”</p><p>“Trashykawa,” Iwaizumi huffs. “It’s fine.” He wanted to add that he shouldn’t feel this apologetic because they’re in a relationship, well that’s what he believes. Iwaizumi was starting to get nervous.</p><p>“Okay. So uhm, please listen, okay? I didn’t plan to do this on the phone but,”</p><p>𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵. </p><p>“Just get straight to the point.” Iwaizumi holds his breath.</p><p>“Iwaizumi,”</p><p>Iwaizumi’s heart breaks.</p><p>“I don’t think this is working anymore.”</p><p>Silence engulfed them.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Iwaizumi tried to ask in a steady voice, taking deep breaths as he feels his throat starting to constrict.</p><p>“C’mon, you know what I’m talking about.”</p><p>𝘕𝘰, 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵.	</p><p>“Honestly, I really don’t feel like myself around you. Not anymore.”</p><p>𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱.</p><p>“I don’t know if it’s the distance, or the fights that just leaves me feeling so lost and vulnerable every time and how I can’t talk it out with you as easily as before because I’m too scared to start another fight again.” Oikawa inhales. “Or, I don’t know, the way we’ve been so busy that I don’t even think we notice how we don’t have that much time for each other anymore.”</p><p>𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨.</p><p>“And I just feel like everything’s an obligation now. I just. I don’t know. I feel so forced. And I know it’s so wrong for me to feel this way. And I apologize if I’m hurting you. Believe me, this was the last thing that I wanted to happen, but, but it’s the truth and I can no longer deny it, Iwa.” Oikawa’s voice cracks. “I wanted to deny these but, I just can’t. I can’t do this to me and I most certainly can’t do this to you. You don’t deserve this.”</p><p>𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶. 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘰.</p><p>“You understand though. Right?”</p><p>𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘺?</p><p>“Iwa-chan?”</p><p>Iwaizumi didn’t know when the tears just started flowing on his face. He knows he should answer Oikawa soon but he just can’t. This relationship and his Dumbkawa was one of the things, if not the main reason that kept him going, because he tried to work so hard for the other. He wanted to prove his worth not to anyone else but to him only. Yes, he had his faults and shortcomings on his part, so did Oikawa, but he was so sure that they’re just gonna get past them. He wanted to be able to succeed for him, to provide for him everything he wants and everything he needs, just like he planned when he decided to court Oikawa those years ago. His dreams and aspirations aligned with Oikawa’s already. They were slowly figuring out the rest of their lives even though they’ve had their countless setbacks. </p><p>But it was completely normal for them to be imperfect, right? </p><p>He succeeded in making Oikawa his in the beginning, so why did he fail at keeping him until the end? </p><p>He wanted to fight for them, he really did, but he doesn’t think he can at the expense of his beloved’s happiness.</p><p>“Yes, I understand.” Iwaizumi said, hope within him vanishing all at once.</p><p>Iwaizumi thought he knew what he was getting into when he and Oikawa entered this long distance relationship. He was aware how both of them are gonna face different realities, he thought he was strong enough for the both of them and was prepared to face it all. Oh, was he wrong.</p><p>A minute or two passed by, Iwaizumi didn’t know. He was too caught up with his heart shattering and finding his way to breathe again.</p><p>“Okay,” Oikawa whispered shakily. “Then,” A pause. </p><p>“I’m ending it here. It ends here. Thank you and good bye, Iwaizumi.”</p><p>A beep was heard, signifying the end of a call.</p><p>“I love you.” Iwaizumi whispers into the void.</p><p> </p><p>Hours later into the late night, Iwaizumi lies down and lets the darkness accompany him. He wonders if he was stupid enough to be too hopeful at all. He wonders if he was ever enough, if his efforts were all in vain. He wonders if what was the last straw for Oikawa, for him to surrender against all odds just like that. He wonders if he was even worthy of Oikawa, his best friend even before birth, lover, lifetime companion and soulmate all in one. He wonders how the familiar could easily blur and turn into a stranger in a blink of an eye. He wonders how this would completely change everything he has fought so hard for, or if it was a mistake to not continuing on fighting for it. He wonders of the what if’s, the should have’s and the could have been’s. He wonders if he can ever pick himself back up after this, and if even he comes back up from drowning in the deepest pits of this nightmare, he wonders if he would still have the strength to go on.</p><p>He wonders if it was written in the stars for them to experience happiness like no other at first, only to end in despair left with a hollow existence at last.</p><p>He wonders, until he can wonder no more.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>7 𝙢𝙤𝙣𝙩𝙝𝙨 𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Iwaizumi called out, startling Kanoka that was seated on his bed. He just got out of shower and was trying to towel dry his hair when he noticed his phone on her hand.</p><p>As if sensing the inquiry, Kanoka beat him to it. “Some unknown number called you and I think he muttered something that I couldn’t really understand? I don’t know, it was all so quiet. I said hello and he just, he hung up?”</p><p>Iwaizumi snickered. “Are you sure it was an unknown number?”</p><p>“Yeah, dumbass. I even double checked it with my contact’s list but I don’t have the number either.” She stated matter-of-factly.</p><p>“Well, whatever. Must be a wrong number.” Iwaizumi doesn’t think too much of it. He drops the towel on his chair and makes a beeline towards Kanoka. </p><p>Round, gray orbs were staring up at him before he leaned down and captured her lips in a kiss. The girl whimpered meekly but was quick to reciprocate the action, one hand immediately gripping onto his shoulder. Iwaizumi climbed up onto the bed and slowly pushed their weights down.</p><p>“W-wait,” Kanoka pulled away. “What about the project—” The girl gasping for air tried to talk but Iwaizumi would just keep on latching his lips all around her face.</p><p>“Shut up Kanoka,” He mutters, moving his lips against hers.</p><p>Iwaizumi slowly reached out for the phone that was still on the girl’s grip and tossed it away carelessly, before clashing their lips again, making Kanoka’s final bit of resolve disappear into the night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>:D</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>part 3???? hnnggg</p></blockquote></div></div>
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